A few posts back, I wrote about “Stop your sobbing.” Sometimes tears are not the answer.
Sometimes tears are the answer.
As it says in Ecclesiastes 3:4:
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
There are times to cry and mourn.
I taught myself a long time ago how to hold back tears. It was a self-defense mechanism on many levels. I thought that if they don’t see me cry, they couldn’t know how deeply they hurt me.
But instead, I buried the feelings inside and pushed them down with food.
Last week, I attended a funeral for my uncle. Afterwards, the family went to a restaurant for food and visiting. Meanwhile, my son called me to tell me his car had gotten towed. I spent the next hour on the phone back-and-forth with him, the Tow Truck company, and with the bank, trying to “wire” the money to the city he lives in. I missed out on an hour of visiting with the family. I gulped down my Cobb Salad, and felt full. When ‘everyone’ was having dessert of Rice Pudding and Whipped Cream, I passed. I wasn’t hungry, and as you know (!) I’m trying to reduce. I finally got the finances settled, gulped down my tea and it was time to leave.
Since that day, I have been craving Rice Pudding and Whipped Cream. It’s been a compulsion. I stopped myself from buying it during several trips to the grocery store this week. Finally yesterday I cooked rice for supper, and made enough extra so that I could make home-made Rice Pudding. It didn’t taste quite as good as I hoped, and it didn’t quench the craving either.
When I had my prayer and journal time this morning, it finally hit me (duh) that it was not so much the Rice Pudding I wanted as the family time that I had missed out on. The first step to solving a problem is to recognize it exists, right?
My cousin died on Sunday after a heroic battle with cancer, and although we will be attending a service for his mom on Friday (yes, they died 3 weeks apart!) there are no immediate plans to have a wake or funeral for him. I decided I needed to let myself cry. I had read a book which suggested cutting up onions to get the tear ducts moving, and I have done that in the past to get the crying started. Today I cut up FOUR onions, inhaled them until my nose burned, but I only shed a few tears. It didn’t work so great today.
We are having a service for his mom on Friday (they already had a funeral mass in Florida) and most of the family will be there for that. I will warn my son ahead of time that I am turning off my phone, that this is ME time that I need.
(Yes, my Uncle John has lost a brother, his wife and his son–all within a two month period of time.)
I know this post will not win any awards, and it might not even make any sense. But if you’re still reading, thanks for letting me vent and try to process all this.
SueAnn Porter 
I think I understand what you mean. Sometimes it isn’t the occasion that causes the tears but something insignificant. I lost my husband 6 months ago tomorrow. I’ve had a few breakdowns of tears but usually it doesn’t last for more than a minute….I expect one of these days something is going to happen and I will be able to cry my heart out. 4/10/14 is our 49th anniversary and I have a CD of songs that my husband made for me…I haven’t been able to listen to it so I expect when I do….the tears will come…
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Thanks… Years ago, I bottled up all my tears and then when I finally cried I thought I would never stop. Like you said, I guess when the time is right, I’ll have a good cry. I’m sorry to hear about your husband. Death of a spouse has got to be a tough one.
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When my father died I wanted to be like Jackie Kennedy–stoic and well dressed. It’s weird what you think of in those times. I spent an entire day looking for the right black skirt. I wanted no part of the grieving my family went through. I couldn’t handle any of it until much later.
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I think we have a built in mechanism that helps us cope by “numbing out” sometimes. When my father died, my sister drank for 3 days, but I was busy busy busy, the funeral director, etc. We all cope the best we can I guess.
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We can feel the need to vent (and blogging ’bout it sure helps!) when there’s a buncha stuff that made our life go bonkers. And most especially when there’s tragedy and a passing of a loved one(s).
Your situation with calling your son, the tow company, and the bank made me think about how I still needed to make calls for my Mom because she doesn’t speak English well. Some months ago, she needed her new power post put in for her home, so I had to call her power department, make calls to find an engineer who could do the job, and let my Mom know when to meet with them (to bring the building plans and make payments).
I’m glad that you had worked out the payment and was able to help out your son in his need.
By the way, I too have a problem with over-eating. I almost always eat until over-full and have acid-reflux (and say, “Man, I don’t feel good”. Trying to stick to a “normal” meal size never works because I just end up going back for 2nds and 3rds. Even I had 3 teeth pulled out (2 were wisdom), I STILL continued to chomp down as if I had all my teef in place (and not goringly bleeding in my mouth). I know how you feel, friend! Oh yeah, and while I was in my Army basic training, I could eat a large pizza and a half all by myself in one sitting. Because the Army starved us during that time, I hogged down like CRAZY every chance I could (which was why I didn’t lose any weight; really upset me, that part).
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Hi sf. Thanks for your comments. My son recently lost a lot of weight; he told me he did it by only eating when he’s hungry and stopping when he’s full!! How I wish that worked for me. I’m not always sure when I’m full! Those of us raised under the “eat everything on your plate” years lost the ability. I believe I can eventually get it back, but it may take longer that I want.
When my son was little I NEVER forced him to finish his plate. He stopped when he was full. He even would stop in the middle of a bowl of ice cream (!) and say “I’m full” and walk away! When he was hungry, he ate. If he was very hungry for a few days, he usually grew a half inch or so during the next few weeks. I let him self-regulate. He did get into overeating as a teenager (who didn’t?) and now he goes by his “natural” hunger signs. May we both be blessed with that soon!
I remember once going to a nutritionist. She asked, “Do you usually eat ONE or TWO slices of pizza?” I replied, “The question should be “Two or Three slices!”
We’re not alone!
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That’s wonderful that your son was able to lose weight and that you didn’t force him to finish his plate. How tough it really is to NOT finish our plates! One time, a friend of mine was going to throw away a couple of Doritos chips and a taco because she was full. I couldn’t let that happen and said that I would eat it, when she offered it to me, before throwing it. I always imagine that I might starve one day (if WW III were to occur while I’m alive), so I can’t seem to throw away food. In regards to pizza, the most I had ever eaten was a Large size and a half (of another Large). Yes, may the Lord bless us with self-control when it comes to our having a meal before us.
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amen!
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