Sometimes tears are the answer.
As it says in Ecclesiastes 3:4:
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
There are times to cry and mourn.
I taught myself a long time ago how to hold back tears. It was a self-defense mechanism on many levels. I thought that if they don’t see me cry, they couldn’t know how deeply they hurt me.
But instead, I buried the feelings inside and pushed them down with food.
Last week, I attended a funeral for my uncle. Afterwards, the family went to a restaurant for food and visiting. Meanwhile, my son called me to tell me his car had gotten towed. I spent the next hour on the phone back-and-forth with him, the Tow Truck company, and with the bank, trying to “wire” the money to the city he lives in. I missed out on an hour of visiting with the family. I gulped down my Cobb Salad, and felt full. When ‘everyone’ was having dessert of Rice Pudding and Whipped Cream, I passed. I wasn’t hungry, and as you know (!) I’m trying to reduce. I finally got the finances settled, gulped down my tea and it was time to leave.
Since that day, I have been craving Rice Pudding and Whipped Cream. It’s been a compulsion. I stopped myself from buying it during several trips to the grocery store this week. Finally yesterday I cooked rice for supper, and made enough extra so that I could make home-made Rice Pudding. It didn’t taste quite as good as I hoped, and it didn’t quench the craving either.
When I had my prayer and journal time this morning, it finally hit me (duh) that it was not so much the Rice Pudding I wanted as the family time that I had missed out on. The first step to solving a problem is to recognize it exists, right?
My cousin died on Sunday after a heroic battle with cancer, and although we will be attending a service for his mom on Friday (yes, they died 3 weeks apart!) there are no immediate plans to have a wake or funeral for him. I decided I needed to let myself cry. I had read a book which suggested cutting up onions to get the tear ducts moving, and I have done that in the past to get the crying started. Today I cut up FOUR onions, inhaled them until my nose burned, but I only shed a few tears. It didn’t work so great today.
We are having a service for his mom on Friday (they already had a funeral mass in Florida) and most of the family will be there for that. I will warn my son ahead of time that I am turning off my phone, that this is ME time that I need.
(Yes, my Uncle John has lost a brother, his wife and his son–all within a two month period of time.)
I know this post will not win any awards, and it might not even make any sense. But if you’re still reading, thanks for letting me vent and try to process all this.