Living on Autopilot…This is the phase I go into when a loved one dies….. or the pain I felt after a breakup is too much to endure…or the abuse of childhood was too much. I have an Override switch that kicks me into autopilot.
There is a feeling of incredible numbness in my mind and heart. I feel as if I am walking in a fog. I can’t make big decisions, and small ones are made for me by the robot-powers that I possess.
Until the pain is back down to a level where I can function, this is how I go through my day. Just a machine passing through the humanity that surrounds me. One downside of this fog, is that is also takes away my self-confidence. You must have a self in order to have self-confidence. My self is hidden underneath the machinery that guides me through another day.
I have lived in the world of autopilot for years at a time, during childhood, during adolescence, during adulthood. Usually brought on by a bad breakup or a death of a loved one, it is also brought on by a betrayal of a loved one.
I have not been here in a long time, and for that I am grateful. But since I am here now, in the world of the robot, I will need to write as much as possible, to gather the thoughts and feelings of my youth and teenage years, so that I can remember.
I am hoping that by putting the words down on paper and the screen that somehow it will heal the part of me that is still (barely) human.
SueAnn Porter 