Random thoughts on Grief

Stairs (Photo credit: jeremydeades)

If no one reads this, that’s ok. I am trying to make sense of it all. It might never make sense.

My cousin died a month ago. I miss him very much. That’s to be expected.

Googling around the internet, and going in the library, there are thousands of writings to “help” you through the grieving process.

There are supposedly “steps”.

But the steps get out of order, and they overlap. Life is messy; it does not go along in Lockstep.

My biggest problem, well two problems:

1)I don’t cry very much, and I would like to. I guess slicing and dicing an onion should be on my agenda to help me cry.

(I taught myself not to cry as a child due to over strenous punishments administered, but that’s a story for another time.)

2)There is this hole in my stomach that the emotions flow through, get stuck in, bob around in, mix around, and I don’t know the names of the emotions.

Sometimes that’s scary in itself, trying to name feelings. Feeling them is terrifying enough.

How do I process them? I just try to breathe in, try to name it “fear” “anger”, “pain”, “unknown scary feeling”, “unknown sad feeling”,” unknown empty feeling,” and then breathe out.

I am trying very hard not to binge eat. And I’m not very successful.

But I might have to suspend my Weight Watchers membership and attend Grief Counseling Group on Tuesday nights instead.

Why go  to WW and have the lady at the scale make some snark remark about “taking care of myself” when I weigh in 3 pounds heavier?

If I show up, I’m taking care of myself, and if I don’t I’m still taking care of myself.

I just hate this gnawing feeling in my gut. Hate it.

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