SueAnn Porter

I’m not a morning person, so even simple tasks are complex to my pea brain when I first wake up. Making coffee should be relatively simple:

pour in water,

put in coffee,

turn on machine.

It should be a no-brainer. Should be.

Here’s a few variations of things I’ve done wrong lately, in other words, how not to make a pot of coffee.

Episode 1: My coffee machine has a deep “cavern” where the water goes in. There are markings for numbers of cups: 2-4-6-8-10-12 inside the cavern. The lower numbers are impossible to see, so I have to first put the water into the carafe (I can see those numbers), then pour it in.

Variation 1. One morning I forgot to pour the water in, and placed the carafe on the warming burner, where it was waiting for the heated water to come down. But the water was still in the carafe. I waited and waited, while the machine made strange electrical popping sounds. I finally realized what was going on, and poured the water into the correct place.

Variation 2. I poured the water too fast so it spilled all over the countertop, the coffee in the filter, and me. I then did not have the correct ratio of water to coffee grinds. I didn’t mind too much, I just add a little extra milk to the mud-like beverage.

Variation 3. I pour the water into the cavern, but forget to put the carafe on the warming burner. The water came out of the machine, and all over the counter and the floor.

Episode 2: I have a re-usable filter where the fresh coffee grinds go into, and the old, used coffee grinds need to be taken out of. I usually dump the used grinds into a paper towel (I used to hit it against the inside of the kitchen garbage can, until Mr. Porter pointed out that it is not very sanitary.)

Variation 1: I knock the old grinds into the paper towel on the counter top. I then have a hand spasm and dump the paper towel onto the floor, making a fine mess.

Variation 2: I have a hand spasm earlier in the process, where I don’t even get the filter to the towel, but instead dump the grinds all over the back of the kitchen sink.

Variation 3:  I forget all about the old grinds and don’t replace them, but make coffee with yesterdays grinds. (yuck.)

Variation 4: You guessed it–I knock out the old grinds and forget to replace it with fresh coffee grinds. Brownish water comes down into the carafe.

So there are just a few of the ways I’ve learned NOT to make coffee.

These could be the reasons that so many people buy coffee in the morning.