I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. –Mitch Hedberg

Mitch_Hedberg

Yesterday I posted quotes about candles, letting your light shine. One quote was from Mitch Hedberg:

  • I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one, so I bought a cake. –Mitch Hedberg

 

I had never heard of him before, and then coincidentally* I saw another quote from him today on Twitter:

  • Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. – Mitch Hedberg

As you know, I don’t believe in coincidences; I believe these strange things happen for a reason. So I googled him, and found posts on wikipedia and wikiquote. Mitch was born in 1968 and sadly died in 2005 of a drug overdose. So young!

He had a real talent for humor and although he used graphic language in his jokes, I am going to clean it up and make it G rated. It’s still funny. Here they are:

  • This is what my friend said to me; he said “Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.” It’s like,”Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you’re gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there.”
  • I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can’t imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: “Don’t even act like I didn’t get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here…oh, wait it’s at home…in the file…under “D”.
  • Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ’em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load stuff into a truck.
  • I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
  • I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here.
  • I don’t have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it so I’d buy a baby naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
  • I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it. How’d it start anyway? I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread. So do I! Well let’s form a club then. Alright, but we need more stipulations. Yes we do; instead of cutting the sandwich once, let’s cut it again. Yes, four triangles, and we will position them into a circle. In the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad. Okay. I got a question for ya, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I’m for ’em! Well this club is formed; spread the word on menus nationwide.  I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts. Well then you’re not in the club!
  • If you’re watchin’ a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don’t follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-forward the parade.
  • You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.

Per Wikipedia:

Mitchell Lee “Mitch” Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs.

Hedberg’s comedy and onstage persona gained him a cult following, with audience members sometimes shouting out the punchlines to his jokes before he could finish them.

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