humor – SueAnn Porter

I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. –Mitch Hedberg

July 20, 2016

Yesterday I posted quotes about candles, letting your light shine. One quote was from Mitch Hedberg: I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one, so I bought a cake. –Mitch Hedberg I had never heard of him before, and then coincidentally* I saw another quote from him today on … More I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. –Mitch Hedberg

Monet, I hate you.

December 8, 2015

That woman there, in the hat—is she waving at you? At me? Adjusting her hat? Giving you the finger? Giving ME the finger? I wish you would be more clear about what she means, unless of course, you don’t know yourself. … More Monet, I hate you.

Breaking News: Winter is cold

February 13, 2015

Today’s the kind of day when the snot in your nose freezes when you take your first breath outside. So you wrap a scarf around your neck and mouth and breathe through your mouth, not minding too much the taste of polyester, or the fear of breathing in one of those little balls of fabric … More Breaking News: Winter is cold

Am I having a mastectomy or buying a used car?

August 11, 2014

Any car salesman knows that once the customer has walked off the lot, he’s lost the sale. A savvy car buyer knows: always be ready to walk away. I did not realize that my best negotiating skills were necessary to maneuver through the process of mastectomy and breast reconstruction surgery. I was diagnosed with breast … More Am I having a mastectomy or buying a used car?

Do I look comfy to you? (6) My dog Bailey is at it again.

August 7, 2014

I couldn’t help laughing at Bailey today when I saw him voluntarily putting his head between the two couches. I guess he hasn’t run out of silly ideas yet. Here is the side view: I don’t know how he comes us with these positions.

A look back at the comedy of Abbott and Costello

July 12, 2014

Remember when comedy was funny, and didn’t have to use swear words? Yes, it was a million years ago. This is a picture of one of my favorite coffee mugs. It’s HUGE, so it’s like 2 cups of coffee in one, and it has caricatures of Abbott and Costello, which always makes me smile. … More A look back at the comedy of Abbott and Costello

Happy Singles Awareness Day

February 14, 2014

Alone? Look on the bright side.

Heard about Cronuts? How about Cuffins?

August 31, 2013

I don’t even pretend that I can cook. I give my husband dinner disclaimers before I serve supper: “This meal is not exactly like the recipe said, I didn’t have an ingredient so I substituted another. Oh, and I put in a Tablespoon of salt instead of a teaspoon. I didn’t have my glasses on … More Heard about Cronuts? How about Cuffins?

My top ten worst dates: #2

August 29, 2013

“..And pull a comb thru your coal black hair…” I met him online during the Great Dating Dry Spell of 1998. He had sent me a pic. He had coal black hair and his skin, the color of mocha. Nice. We chatted online and agreed to meet at a local restaurant. He said that after … More My top ten worst dates: #2

My top ten worst dates, starting with #1

August 28, 2013

“A Quick Cup of Coffee” It was during the Great Dating Dry Spell of 1998. I had lost some weight, and other than the trainer at the gym who was twice my age and half my height, I was unable to meet anyone who wasn’t already married. I decided to try the Phone Dating Line. … More My top ten worst dates, starting with #1

We have a pet toilet.

August 18, 2013

Yes, that’s what I said. The toilet in the main bathroom upstairs sometimes requires attention. For no reason at all, it runs a little bit of water, just to remind us it’s still there, and then shuts itself off. We can be downstairs watching TV, and hear it summon us from upstairs, “Don’t you forget … More We have a pet toilet.

YAWN — or Sorry, HGTV, but we are keeping the wallpaper!

August 9, 2013

What bores me? Neutral colors. Beige, beige, and beige. If you watch HGTV, you know that they always advise folks that are selling their homes to make all the colors “neutral.” “People want to see themselves living here. De-personalize.” While I understand taking down the wedding and baby pictures, wouldn’t someone rather see a home … More YAWN — or Sorry, HGTV, but we are keeping the wallpaper!

Just call me Peg Bundy

June 30, 2013

We moved the couches off the floor in the family room, moved the fridge, and moved the kitchen table and chairs so we could have the guy come over and “re-do” the hardwood floors. Oh, and the TV is set up in the garage now. That’s where I watched Person of Interest the other night, … More Just call me Peg Bundy

Highlights of my niece’s wedding pictures

June 21, 2013

Tinman(“worth doing badly / wordpress”) has a feature where he doesn’t have a camera, and writes a story. I’d like to do a twist, whereas I have a camera but don’t know how to use the stupid thing. I seem to have some spare time on my hands (I’ve traded it for sleep, you gotta … More Highlights of my niece’s wedding pictures

Refinance your mortgage now!

June 16, 2013

*( This is a re-run, but I thought some of the new readers would get a kick out of this story.) “Interest rates are at an all-time low. You need to refinance –yesterday!” say the Financial Experts. My husband and I decide to contact a Mortgage Refinance Dude (MRD). Well, ok, I left voicemail. Two … More Refinance your mortgage now!

Meet Bailey, the Canadian Cheese Hound

June 8, 2013

Yes, he does look like Lassie with a haircut. He is actually a Short-Haired Collie, also known as a Smooth Collie. But don’t let the shorter hair fool you! He sheds like a machine! My husband (Mr. Porter) bought Bailey from a breeder up by the Canadian Border. Hubby’s family had several dogs of this … More Meet Bailey, the Canadian Cheese Hound

Basking in the afterglow of being Freshly Pressed

June 8, 2013

Wow. After two years, my humble blog was picked for Freshly Pressed. I think the photo had something to do with it. Who doesn’t love Stan and Ollie, the Fat and Skinny friends? Which reminds me of this silly poem my father told us: Fat and Skinny had a race, Up and down the pillow … More Basking in the afterglow of being Freshly Pressed

My brother is stinky

June 2, 2013

“Rrring!” There goes that stupid doorbell again. I wipe the tears from my eyes and sniffle. I open the front door to find my friend, Beth, standing there with yet another bowl of potato salad. This one is covered in paprika. I can’t stand the stuff. Her husband Mike is standing beside her, uneasy in … More My brother is stinky

Well, look what hubby found in the attic!

May 26, 2013

Is it a rare antique? Is it a memento? Is it a lost memory for childhood? A treasured possession? Sadly, no. It’s a large Tupperware container filled with water! Someone put it in the attic to collect water from a leak somewhere. How long has it been there? Since before we bought the house, I’m … More Well, look what hubby found in the attic!

What would you like for dinner?

May 3, 2013

This is my kitchen table. Doesn’t that sledgehammer look yummy? How about the mold and mildew remover? Would you like a dust-mask with that? We are in the process of getting the house ready for sale so it’s kinda crazy around here. Last week, I went to my Weight Watchers meeting. The Leader asked, … More What would you like for dinner?

SueAnn Porter

An embellished memoir, in short spurts.

Tag: humor