But nothing prepared me for this monstrosity.
Four weeks ago, I was attacked by Vertigo. I spent not one, but two nights in the Emergency Room, vomiting while the room spun. I have seen several doctors, with many more appointments scheduled, but so far all I have been given is some anti-vertigo medicine. This stops the room from spinning, and I have stopped vomiting, but I am still dizzy, can’t drive, and I’m living on toast and cereal. I tried some chicken and broccoli from the Chinese place the other night, but it tasted like motor oil.
I realized how easy it is to say, “God will get you through this” and I do believe I will be healed, but I’m tired of waiting. Why does it take so long? Why does it go on and on?
I am unable to drive. When I bend down to put my shoes on, the room spins again. I am still semi-nauseous, so I’m living on bland carbs. I can’t walk my 3 miles a day without falling over, so I am in couch potato mode.
I received an email which gave some good advice: “Don’t let the waiting cause you to stumble and become angry and bitter towards God.” Who, me? Yes, I’m bitter and angry. I’m uncomfortable and just plain pissed off.
Then I picked up my own book, Arm Wrestling with Pharaoh, the other day, and certain sentences jumped off the page.
In the book of Exodus, Moses tells the slaves in Egypt that God is going to set them free. Moses knows this because God has met Moses in the fire. But when Moses goes to Pharaoh to tell him to set the people free, Pharaoh makes things worse. He tells them to make bricks without straw.
Then I found this little gem: ” When we find ourselves in hard situations, we get weighed down by the stress and find it hard to believe for better things.” Who wrote that? SueAnn Porter!
Here’s a few other sentences that jumped up and smacked me across the face! (Or bit my butt!):
“Speak it into the spiritual realm–then it will manifest in the natural realm.” Yep, me again.
“When we have lost everything, and our hands are empty, it’s easier to reach to God for the next thing.” –yep, me again. (I should add: as long as we are in faith and not in anger)
“How do we react when we pray, and things get worse? Do we complain, or do we stand on the promises of God, and believe it will come to pass.” Slap. Kick.
“When things get worse, we can be sure that God IS working on our behalf. Keep praying and keep believing.” Ugh. Make it stop.
“We know God promised us something, but it doesn’t happen within the timeframe we expect, and so we allow discouragement to steal our hope.” Sigh.
“God’s Word is the truth, not the circumstances.” All right, who is this SueAnn Porter character?!
So to surmise, the flesh is uncomfortable while it’s being crucified. I can either crawl off the altar at this point, or submit as the clay to the Potter, and turn into something beautifully transformed. I wonder which way I will choose. The internal conflict continues.
“The discomfort is the Fellowship of His Sufferings–we can’t get to know Him better without the discomfort.” Oh Stop already!
And so, all you Christians who get mad, who don’t like your current situation, you are not alone!
We will get through this~!