SueAnn Porter

There is a deep dark place that exists in my mind, heart, and belly that only those who have been there can begin to understand. It’s lonely, terrifying, and sometimes feels that time has stopped. It’s hard to imagine going through to the other side, because I can’t believe there is another side. All remembrances of good times are forgotten; they are held in a box far, far away under lock and key.

For me, the worst part is the feeling of timelessness. If there is no such thing as a ticking clock in this black hole, then there is nothing pushing the substance forward towards an exit. It feels as though here and now is all there is.

If you’ve been there, you understand. If you haven’t–well be Thankful.

On this particular down swing I have been slightly less terrified. This time I could actually feel the presence of God with me; a companion not unlike the 4th man in the fire in the book of Daniel. I have been a Christian for over 30 years, but never before have I experienced the presence of God in the darkness with me. It’s difficult to believe God exists when I am in total darkness; even quoting scripture, and ‘knowing’ in my head did not help my situation in the past.

I don’t know why finally, this time in the black hole was not as dreadful, or as lonely. But it’s still a black hole and I prefer not to be there. I still need more sleep than usual. I still find it hard to spit out the words, “I need help.” I feel weak. I am unable to be assertive when situations call for it. But I have been able to write down some things I’ve been struggling with–and hope to edit it for human reading within a few weeks.

And so, my fellow bipolar companions, I understand. Keep breathing. We will come out the other side.

Related articles

• The Black Hole of Loneliness (clharbridge.wordpress.com)