Emotions that I hate but have not yet named
Sometimes, something bad happens:
A friend disappoints me. I’m too shy to speak up about something. I make a big mistake and feel dumb. I slip on the ice and fall in front of a bunch of other people.
It produces a feeling in the pit of my stomach that is so uncomfortable. It wraps itself around my insides, and spirals up, expanding its girth until it reaches my heart and lungs. It cripples me. It begins to hurt. The paralysis endures.
I try to name it…but I’m not sure. Is it Shame? Disappointment? Embarrassment? These all feel the same to me, as far as I can tell. I was never allowed to express my bad feelings growing up, so they all meld together. I try to decipher them; I’m not sure I have the skills.
Then what am I supposed to do? Of course I want the bad feeling to go away…. Am I supposed to FEEL it for a while, and process it? How does that work? The feeling is so strong, so bad, that I can’t do anything else but feel it. I can’t work, think, do anything. So I do what I always do, try to get rid of the feeling. This is the part where humans take different paths. I, myself, go for the chocolate. Chocolate chip cookies, chocolate ice cream, anything chocolate. Others go to drugs, alcohol, or go shopping for shoes.
How to “normal” people deal with this stuff? I would love to know.